Concealed depression

Depression.
Something that is becoming alarmingly common. 1 in 4 people suffer from depression and sometimes they won't realise. 
Depression isn't something that you can suddenly snap out of, its not just a few days of feeling down in the dumps and its definitely something that can take hold of your whole life
There are various symptoms and ways it affects people. It's all psychological and everyone is different, therefore affecting each person differently.

Yes, I suffer from depression. I've been diagnosed twice, first time with Seasonal Affective Disorder (Seasonal depression) in 2012 and then mild Clinical depression in 2013. For some people that know me in person, it can be hard to believe because of how I am in person. I've only told a hand full of people, but after a lot of thinking and making several posts about it in the past that I never published, I've decided to make a post where I could help someone or help someone understand.

These were the signs I showed before, during and after diagnosis, so if you feel like you or a friend have the same or similar symptoms, ask for help, support and talk to someone.



Efforts of looking OK, seeming happy, upbeat and full of energy every time you see them...

I still do this all the time. Its hard. I try not to burden anyone with my shit. Its my shit to deal with it. Sometimes, when I have a lot of pent up emotions, I angry cry. I angry cry a lot, I'm also very very grateful for the people I've surrounded myself with at uni, there have been nights, where I've just popped up to them on chat and just talked to them, not necessarily the stuff that's bothering me, but just having someone to talk to makes a lot of difference.
People wouldn't guess or even believe that I suffer from depression. I always come across has upbeat and sometimes, have been called annoying by some, but that's my way of compensating my down times. So if I've ever annoyed you or irritated you, I'm really sorry.

They have certain habits - their cure

I have my own remedies of making myself feel better. I really got into music and art and tried to keep myself occupied, I went to lot of gigs and as clich√© as it sounds, I tried to lose myself in the music. If I went anywhere without my headphones, that would be a bad day for me. I always carry headphones with me now. After I got diagnosed I also began going to the gym, I lost a lot of weight and kept myself busy with my body and my health. I love walks, I'll stick my headphones in and walk to places and avoid taking the bus and interaction with people unless I really need to. These are my way of overcoming the sinking feeling.This can be noticed in every human, everyone has down days and everyone has their own 'cure'.

Great cover up stories

I'm a great liar. That is the truth. You ask me if I'm feeling ok? I will instantly smile and tell you how fantastic I feel. Ask me where I was last night? Yeah, I was doing my work, catching up with my old friends and cooking, when in fact I could have been laid in bed, not having eaten all day, binge watching a funny tv show and not cracking a smile at a joke. In relation to the first point, I'm not here to burden anyone with the way I feel, sometimes you can't get me out of that feeling, so I'll cover it up.
It takes a lot for me to open up and connect to someone. I've built 'emotional' walls around myself, if you can get through that, then well done you, but if you mess up, then I mess up. I will build those walls high and I become very guarded. Trying to like me, never mind love me, is hard.

Abnormal eating and sleeping patterns

I have various sleeping problems. Sometimes I succeed and can get the right amount of sleep and function normally; those are the good days. But, I've gone days without sleeping, or days where all I've done is sleep. Sometimes I won't eat, I won't be hungry. I've had points where I've woke up with agonising stomach pains and forced myself to finish a plate of food. Other times, I eat, constantly. Hungry all the time, sometimes eating till I feel sick and disgusting. I will sometimes pick at my food. I will get hungry, cook up a big meal, then just not eat it. Sometimes I can control my eating and sleeping patterns, other times I lose all control.
I'm not saying this to panic or worry anyone. Its happened and happens.

They understand substances and its abuse more than others

I understand what substances do to my body. The affects of alcohol and cigarettes; the drugs. I know what I'm doing to myself. I know alcohol is a depressant and if I drink too much of it, I will hit a low, so I'm very careful (at times) to how much I'm drinking and I know my limit. I know that sugar and caffeine ups my mood and when I need to take them. I know what supplements do to my body. I know what medications make me feel good and bad. I know what mixes well for me personally.

Searching for a reasoning...

A very human thing. Why? The main question. To everything. I've had times where I've sat and tried understanding why I'm here and for what reason. In my head, I get really deep and it gets all philosophical. When I get in that state, it's quite hard to get me out of that mind set, I have to do it myself and it takes time for me to get out of that mind set.
I do appreciate everything I have, I think I'm quite lucky, with the people I've met and the opportunities I do get. But, like every human I crave more.

Cries of help, every now and then

There have been times where I have reached out to someone, just for them to at least say "Hey, Its cool, I'm here". Like I keep saying through this post, my intentions is not to burden anyone with shit that goes on inside my head, but some times when I feel alone I want someone to be there and I will make some kind of signal, but If you can't pick up on it, I'll go back to my cures.

love and acceptance

Something every human needs, wants and craves. If your friend or family member comes up to you for a hug, cuddle or to sit next to you, don't get annoyed, don't tell them not to hug you and mainly don't push them away. It really hurts. It's happened to me so many times and its like a crushing feeling. It's love and acceptance we need.
You cling to people that care about you. You become addicted to them, whether it's a, friend, a boyfriend/girlfriend or family members. Their presence or even hearing their voice on the phone can make everything better in your mind and ground you.
Yes, its true you need to surround yourself with healthy, nice and genuine people to feel good about yourself and be happy. That's me right now, I have made an amazing set of friends at uni who I tell everything to and who have been there for me at 3/4 in the morning, but some times, the feeling of sadness or feeling fed up can set in and you can't shake it for a while, that's what depression does to you.

Please remember, never self diagnose something, If you THINK you or someone else is showing these or similar symptoms, give yourself some time and then head to the doctors. Everyone is different and there are different ways to help people.

This post, like my last, is something that hits home for me and in certain ways can be relate able to some people and I hope it helps you.
This will be my last 'serious' type post for a while, I'll hopefully be doing some other posts and some collabs with other bloggers.

So, thank you so much for reading this and I hope you have a good forever! 

4 comments

  1. Beautifully written, love you so much. A x

    ReplyDelete
  2. I love and miss you Priya!
    Maryanne x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hello Maryanne! bloody hell! I love and miss you too Mary! xx

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