19 November 2015

I'm S.A.D

So its coming up to the colder months and this is when it really all kicks off for me.
I've had a count down to when I'm back on medication. Which is not an exciting thought.
I should really be doing my uni work right now. Looking at it is just stressing me out.

S.A.D - Seasonal Affective Disorder. When the seasons can affect your mental health. For some people very slightly. For others, like myself, I have to go on medication for. I have Depression all year around, which isn't fun. But during these months, I'm worse than the bouts of sadness I get during the year.
I'm sad.


Its easy to say to someone "Hey cheer up!" It's not that easy. I've already made myself super busy. I've thrown myself into uni, working, blogging, modelling and trying to stay creative, so I never get the chance to sit down; over think and over think and never wish to get out of bed.
The early mornings when its still dark is starting to affect me. During the summer I enjoyed the sun and tried to get up and out of the house to do things, now I look outside at 7am and I don't want to leave the bed. I just feel 'Meh', like, what's the point?
I've had various personal issues over the summer that are now contributing to my feelings and the definite decision to start taking anti-depressants.
I've done well in not taking them for the past year now; as my experience with the anti-depressants 2 years ago scared me and I vowed never to take them again. But now I feel, they may be the only things to get me through till April.
Everyone's always like, "But your so chirpy and hyper like a child"...that's what I need to do. I don't want to be a sulking and mooching around people. I want to keep myself alive and going.
I have a lot of feelings to give. That is my general problem. "You're too nice! THINK ABOUT YOU" my house mate always shouts this at me, he understands me. We're each others rocks at the moment. I honestly don't know what I'd do if I didn't have his shoulder to cry on. I hate crying. I've already done it 3 times this month.

I hate anti-depressants. I really really do. They work for some people. Me? Not so much... 2 years ago it sent me the other way. I just con-caved as a person and wanted to stop existing. I felt sick, it made me ill, I got anxious and shaky. I stopped being interested in people, my sex drive disappeared and I just want to sleep all the time. I stopped being the person I wanted to be.
I'm already noticing some of the effects: constantly sleeping, constantly feeling tired, sex drive has gone, I'm more aggressive, I get irritated easier and I purely just can't be arsed.
Its not a great feeling, but I really need it this year after all the mess I've been through and the sudden stress I'm feeling. People think I'm cool with it all. I'm really not. Its dug up my previous shit emotions and the fear I had in the past.
I'll see If it all works out.
I've, once again, dived into all my work, making myself constantly busy. I feel like I have no time to breathe. It keeps me going. Its my way of healing I suppose; my therapy.

To anyone whose on antidepressants, I know your feelings.
Sometimes you get hyper, you just want to run around and throw glitter everywhere.


Other times, you wanna go to sleep, every little thing annoys you and you could just punch someone for breathing.


I'm taking my meds and trooping through. Most people just think depression is just feeling sad; but its more real, it affects so many parts of your life, it wears you out.
That's me. Right now. I'll be fine. I'll continue

;

Thank you for reading

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2 comments

  1. Keep what you're doing Angel. Me & you are both in the same boat at the moment- antidepressants the lot. Keep smiling.

    Jess xx

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